Welcome to the land of endless beeping, questionable Jell-O, and chairs designed by sadists. If you’re reading this from a hospital room, let me first say: solidarity, my friend. My husband and I are here again—because apparently, we’ve achieved VIP status at this fine establishment. You know, the kind where you get free wristbands but no one offers you margaritas.
Hospitals are like that weird friend who insists you visit all the time but makes you pay for parking and survive on vending machine snacks. It’s a little disorienting. One minute, you’re asking what day it is; the next, you’re debating whether a Snickers counts as lunch (it does).
1. The Glamorous Life of a Hospital Regular
People imagine hospital stays as dramatic moments straight out of Grey’s Anatomy. Spoiler alert: they’re not. It’s less “steamy romance in the on-call room” and more “how long can we survive on watered-down coffee?” The only thing steamy here is the mystery soup that’s delivered without explanation or apology.
And don’t even get me started on sleeping arrangements. They call it a “guest chair,” but we all know it’s a medieval torture device designed to make your spine question its existence.
2. Time: What Even Is It?
Hospitals exist in their own time zone where minutes last hours, and days blur into a montage of scrubs, thermometers, and someone saying, “The doctor will be in shortly.” (Spoiler: shortly is code for bring a snack and maybe a blanket.)
At this point, I’m not entirely sure if it’s Tuesday or next March. There’s no clock anywhere to be seen. The calendar on the wall says 2024, but I’ve aged at least a decade since we got here.
3. The Small Joys That Keep You Going
Despite it all, there are moments of pure comedy gold. Like when your husband, half-asleep, tries to flirt by saying, “You’re my IV bag of joy.” Or when the nurse comes in at 3 a.m. and cheerfully asks, “How’s everyone doing?” as if you aren’t fully dead inside.
And let’s not forget the fashion statement that is the hospital gown—an open-backed wonder that’s equal parts humiliation and air-conditioning.
4. Laughing Through the Chaos
At the end of the day, all you can do is laugh. Because if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry—and crying ruins your mascara, which is already working overtime to make you look human in this fluorescent lighting.
So, here’s to everyone in the hospital grind: the caregivers, the patients, and the ones trying to keep it together with caffeine and dark humor. You’re not alone. We’re all out here wondering if we can Uber Eats a margarita to the ICU waiting room.
Hospital stays might be exhausting, but they’re also a crash course in patience, resilience, and how to look busy when the doctor walks in. Hang in there, warriors. And remember: there’s nothing you can’t survive with a little sarcasm and a vending machine Snickers.
Signed with love, sleep deprivation, and a whole lot of caffeine,
Dorey
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