Look, I never meant to become a car thief. I’m not out here living some Fast & Furious lifestyle. I just have terrible luck and a brain that sometimes short-circuits under pressure.
So here’s what happened.
I was leaving the store—minding my own business, arms full of grocery bags, keys clutched between my fingers like a makeshift weapon, as one does. I walked straight to my car, hit the button on my key fob, heard the familiar beep-beep, and slid into the driver’s seat like a responsible, law-abiding citizen.
Except… something felt off.
For starters, there was a half-eaten granola bar in the cupholder that I definitely did NOT put there. Also, the seat was way too far back. I know my height. I am not Shaquille O’Neal.
And then, I noticed the air freshener.
I don’t HAVE an air freshener.
It was at this exact moment that my brain finally put all the puzzle pieces together and screamed at me:
THIS IS NOT YOUR CAR.
Oh. Oh no.
So naturally, I did what any normal person would do in this situation. I full-body panicked.
I started frantically hitting the unlock button, as if I could magically teleport out of my not-my-car situation. But my hands were so sweaty from fear that I dropped my keys onto the floor. So now I was TRAPPED in a stolen vehicle, looking like I was hot-wiring it in broad daylight.
And that’s when a man appeared.
A VERY angry-looking man.
Tapping on the window.
With his actual car keys.
I don’t remember exactly what I said as I scrambled out of the car like a malfunctioning raccoon, but I know it involved high-pitched shrieking and the words:
“OH MY GOD, I’M SO SORRY, PLEASE DON’T CALL THE COPS, I’M JUST VERY STUPID.”
The man just stood there, blinking at me like he was trying to decide whether I was a threat to society or just deeply unwell.
And THEN—because my humiliation wasn’t complete yet—I looked over and saw my actual car.
Two spaces away.
Identical make. Identical model. Identical everything.
So yeah. That’s the story of how I accidentally committed grand theft auto in the middle of a Target parking lot and nearly had a full-blown heart attack at age 30-something.
Moral of the story? Always double-check your car before getting inside. And maybe don’t stare directly into the eyes of an innocent man while sitting in his vehicle, gripping the wheel like you’re about to flee the country. Also, if you happen to park near me, always be sure to LOCK your vehicle. (Sorry!)
#AccidentalCriminal #OopsMoment #ParkingLotFails #StoryTime #HilariousMistakes #TargetChronicles #EpicFail #GrandTheftAutoIRL #LifeIsWeird #LaughingAtMyself
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