Boredom. The arch-nemesis of the fabulous. A menace to society. The thing that makes me contemplate whether I should fake my own disappearance just to escape a dull conversation. Some people sit through it gracefully—I, however, am not one of those people. My threshold for tedium is lower than my patience for people who still don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re.”
Allow me to present Exhibit A:
1. Monotone Talkers—A Sleep Paralysis Demon in Human Form
You know the type. The ones who start a sentence and never seem to find their way out of it.
“Sooo…yeah, um… it was, like… you know, um… yeah, I guess that’s it.”
Oh, was that your thesis? How riveting. I lost brain cells, and I want financial compensation.
2. Watching Paint Dry? A Thrill Ride Compared to Beige Personalities
You ever meet someone so dull that you start wondering if you have the flu because they’ve drained all life from your spirit? These are the people who think a wild night out is ordering a second bread basket. Their idea of an adventure is switching from their usual brand of toothpaste. They ask me what my hobbies are, and when I mention fashion, travel, and running a business, they say, “Oh wow, I just watch TV.” BABY, I CANNOT RELATE.
3. People Who Don’t Have a Main Character Energy Bone in Their Body
The way I see it, we’re all starring in our own blockbuster films. So why, WHY, do some people insist on acting like an unpaid extra in their own life? No passion, no flair, no over-the-top dramatic exits when necessary? Just vibes and awkward small talk? Where is your storyline? Where is your soundtrack?
4. The Phrase “Let’s Circle Back” in a Meeting—A Threat to My Existence
If I hear one more person utter those words in a room full of people who also don’t want to be there, I will levitate out of my seat. You’re not “circling back,” Barbara. You’re just avoiding making a decision because deep down, you love the sound of your own voice.
5. People Who Clap When the Plane Lands Like They Personally Flew It
I’m sorry, did you just applaud the pilot for successfully completing the task for which they were trained and paid? Do you also high-five the cashier for correctly scanning your groceries? Cheer when a vending machine dispenses your snack? Do you stand and give a standing ovation every time your microwave finishes heating up your leftovers?
Listen, I’m all for gratitude, but unless we were mid-flight dodging UFOs and the pilot just Sully Sullenberger-ed us onto a river, let’s keep the jazz hands to ourselves.
6. The Sound of Someone Reading Each Word from a PowerPoint Slide Like They’re Discovering Literacy in Real Time
I have personally made eye contact with my own soul leaving my body in these moments. We both agreed it wasn’t worth staying.
7. A Lack of Proper Footwear Choices in the General Population
Life is simply too short to wear bad shoes. I once attended an event where a woman was wearing brown rubber clogs with a formal gown. I had to excuse myself. This is a public service announcement: If your shoes are ugly and they are a choice, not a necessity, then I have no choice but to assume you enjoy suffering.
8. People Who Don’t Use Emojis in Texts
Am I talking to a friend, or am I in a hostage negotiation? Give me some punctuation, a little flair, a ✨ or something! A simple “ok.” with no context is the communication equivalent of room temperature oatmeal.
9. Being Told to “Just Relax” in the Middle of a Rant
That’s it. That’s the whole crime.
10. Books Without Drama, Intrigue, or an Over-the-Top Fashion Description
If I’m reading a book and there is not at least one moment where a character walks into a room and the narration describes their outfit like it’s a red carpet entrance, what are we even doing here?
11. Watching Someone Type with One Finger Like They’re Solving a Riddle
I have witnessed people peck at a keyboard like a confused chicken, one painstaking letter at a time, as if their email password is being revealed to them by the gods themselves. The worst part? The sheer confidence they exude while doing it—like they are not actively ruining my day.
12. People Who Call and Then Say “Oh, I’ll Text You”
So you summoned me into the highly inconvenient realm of a phone call, made me engage in actual human speech, only to decide NOW that a text would suffice? I want reparations.
13. Adults Who Still Don’t Know How to Merge in Traffic
It’s a ZIPPER. The concept is not new. It’s not a riddle, nor is it a personal attack. It is a simple, logical process that should not require me to question whether I will make it home alive.
14. People Who Take 12 Business Days to Order at a Drive-Thru
We all know why we’re here. The menu has not changed since the dawn of time. The suspense is not necessary. And yet, there they sit… reading, contemplating, engaging in deep internal reflection. Are they reciting the ingredients out loud? Are they communing with the universe?
At this point, I’ve aged five years, the car behind me has started honking, and I have begun contemplating my entire existence.
15. People Who Leave Their Shopping Cart in the Middle of the Aisle Like They Own the Grocery Store
Are you… settling in? Do you think this aisle belongs to you now? Are you hoping to claim eminent domain over the cereal section? Because some of us are just trying to grab a box of Frosted Flakes and go home, Susan.
16. Unseasoned Food and the People Who Pretend to Enjoy It
If you season your food exclusively with salt and generational trauma, I fear you.
17. People Who Respond “K” in a Text Message
Oh, so we’re fighting? Just say that.
18. People Who Watch a Movie at Home and Pause It Every 30 Seconds to Talk
If you had urgent personal commentary, you should have started a podcast. This is not a DVD director’s cut, and you are not Scorsese. Let me watch in peace before I start charging you for this experience.
19. The Phrase “We Need to Talk” Without Any Context
No, we do not. If you send this to me without an immediate follow-up explanation, I will call my attorney and start drafting my last will and testament, because what do you MEAN we need to talk?
20. Fashion That Lacks Flair
I once attended an event where every person in the room was wearing khakis and beige polos. I felt like I had been trapped inside a sad oatmeal commercial. Life is too short for drab wardrobes! Give me sequins, sharp tailoring, and an impractical but fabulous heel that I can absolutely not run in.
Conclusion: The Cure for Boredom is Fabulousness
My greatest fear in life is not failure. It’s not rejection. It’s being subjected to the painfully dull. If there’s no excitement, no scandal, no plot twist, I want no part of it. The only cure for this ailment? Wit, style, and making a dramatic exit at the exact right moment. If you see me yawning dramatically, you are the problem. Life should be bold, hilarious, and slightly chaotic, not a never-ending loop of monotony and bad decisions.
So please, I beg of you, let’s keep things interesting.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have important things to do—like leaving dramatically, flinging my coat over my shoulder, and storming out as if I have somewhere very important to be. [struts off in Louboutins, leaving a trail of sequins and sass in my wake]
#RelatableAF #HilariousTruth #PetPeeves #TooReal #OverIt #SarcasmQueen #MainCharacterEnergy #BoredToTears #UnfilteredTruth #LifeIsTooShort #TheStruggleIsReal #DramaticExit #SavageHumor #TellMeImWrong
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